All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
