I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
