He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
