Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My balls are so social today.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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