IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
