omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
