peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
