is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
