do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
