first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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