Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
