I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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