Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize