Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why do cheetos always look like penises
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
