At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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