I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
from now on my penis is your penis
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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