Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
