i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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