sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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