I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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