my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
