At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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