The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
