Please, let me fuck your mom
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
