you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
