Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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