Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
