It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
