The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
