Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
