I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
