Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
