My room smells like vodka and shame
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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