Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
