She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
