You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
