obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
