I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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