so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
