dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
