i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
