Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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