If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
