So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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