I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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