you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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