I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
