Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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