ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
