literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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