Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
