I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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