please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
