I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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