If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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