Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize