The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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