Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You made out with two different species that night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
