I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
