I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
